Erica

Hmmmm....I forgot that this journal wasn't friends only.

Jesus Christ Superstore! hahhahahaha

My new sex toy!

I'm really tired. We only got about 11 inches of snow. Not too bad considering everyone else got like a million inches. Oh well.

here's some pics

( PICTURES! )

For those of you near me (or who want to drive far away to go to a neat bar), The 12 Penny Saloon in Moosic is opening a dance area behind the bar. It will be opening on January 28th! I'm so excited! If you would like to go, reply and I'll give directions. More than likely, I will be there, so we can even have a little meeting thingy. :-D

OSCAR ISN'T DEAD!!! HE IS ALIVE!!!! YAY!!!!

i feel so alone right now. i feel so pathetic. i want to cry. i know i have people around me but im so sad...and alone. i could be in a huge crowded room and still feel so alone. fuck. sara, i miss you so much. justin, just move here already. and tim, if you found this, i miss you so much and i wish you would call me. but i cant do that. i cant go back to feeling like that. where the fuck is anyone? i cant even meet anyone on-line. im sad. feel sorry for me. oh im so fucking pathetic. FUCK. im so sick of me. ahhhhhh!!!!

felix killed oscar. im sad.

Rest only comes to my heart when you sleep in my arms.

If you are really bored, go back and read some of the entries in this journal. I was crazy! I wrote some good shit though. I should bring some to my therapist. I never realized how suicidal I am. I am still feeling like that, but I think my new meds are working a lot better than the ones I was on before.

I have a problem. I think I lost the boys. But, perhaps it was time. I felt like it was so one-sided. I mean, they didn't call me for a fucking month. And now they act all wierd around me. I don't know. Things are different. I feel like I should talk to them. And even Margaret suggested a nice sit-down conversation, but I think I'm gonna just let things rest for now.
Secondly, I need some friends. Tony, I love you, but you work a million hours a week. We should go to Philly. I think I would enjoy that.
I'm gonna go watch Futurama and perhaps call Justin.

Your Penis Name is: Harry & the Hendersons

um...its just me. :-D

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:	simonwriter
Your haiku:	out of me get out of sight woke up sad from this dream i've been having
Username:
Created by Grahame

and when you say you love me, do you mean it? do you really mean it? trick me, tease me, do what you will but know I love you forever. do you bleed like me? do you hurt like I do? do you still feel pain of lovers past and not want to let it go for you fear everything in your life will shatter and break into pieces so tiny no one can see you anymore? you will disappear. shatter. like dust.

Update?
Haven't done this in a while.
I miss you with the strength of a thousand suns. I still think about you every day. There is so much I wish I did differently. Letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life.
I think of you whenever it rains.

Sadness reigns and still takes precedence in my life. It wears the crown and controls my life.

"when I'm not drinking baby you were on my mind"

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

why are you an asshole sometimes? why am i not immune to jealousy yet? why do we fight?
sometimes i dont understand. you know what i need, why don't you just do it. all i ask is for you to say that you need my friendship as much as i need yours, because i know you do.
i tell you something you knew for years and you freak on me. what am i supposed to do? how does that change anything? how does that affect what we've had for the past 4.5 years? it shouldn't and it wont. not on my side at least.
i care about you more than anyone because you are true to me...you are my only best friend that has been there the whole god damn time. no wonder i fell for you, you are the best thing only thing to happen to me in a long time. how do i handle a friendship that is so good? and im selfish...i dont want to have to share you with anyone.
so, we've run out of stuff to say. sometimes silence is golden. other times silence is hell.
love, on the rarest of occasions,

( dont read this... )

when you aren't around, things fester. my mind wanders. i don't know what to think.
i really hated myself today. skipping work and being stupid.
she made my day by saying that she would marry me. but i knew that it was just in jest. god i hate that.
i crave love. i can taste how it was when i had it. i miss love. i want to love more than anything.
no one loves me. boo hoo. i cry all the time.
go and pity yourself erica. go and pity yourself. feel sorry that no one loves you. but what can bide your time til then. falling in love with every degenerate who crosses your path. the misfortunate soldier will come along and judge before he knows you. becareful what you wish for, it may come true.

Lyrics for Everclear - Blackjack

scary john gets his strong arm on
he can break me and make me
happy with his blackjack

scary john has the heavy hand on
he smiles without his eyes
nice and easy with his blackjack

don't tell me that
you didn't see this coming down

please dont say that this
isn't what you wanted now

scary john gets his strong arm on
he can break me and make me
happy with his blackjack

scary john
always knows what's goin on
he is everywhere
happy with his blackjack

please don't tell me that
you didn't see this coming down
please don't say that this
isn't what you wanted now

this is your american dream
everything is simple in the
white and the black
you will never need to see the grey anymore
you will never have to be afraid
when you are happy with the blackjack

i hope you are happy with the blackjack

scary john
he wants to kill my song
he doesn't like the fact
i'm not happy with the blackjack

i don't want to hear the words
he has to say

please don't tell me that
you didn't see this coming

please don't tell me
that this isn't what you asked for

be careful what you ask for

this is your american dream
everthing is simple in the
white and the black
you will never need to see the grey anymore
you will never have to be afraid
when you are happy with the blackjack

i hope you are happy with the blackjack

this is your american dream

erica, why are you an idiot?
i cry over nothing. i crawl into my little hole and wait for everything to blow over and it does...so much emotion. kill me.
i need to do therapy every week...this is too long to go without my session.
also, i need to consider a different med. this one is not working. i need something to make me numb...i want to be a dumb girl...just getting by not realizing what life is. why can't i be that?
im too sad to stay awake. goodnight